Division of Doom
by ASBusinessMagnet
Summary: Zim lands on an alternate retro-future Earth. Dib doesn't take kindly to it. AU, alternate history.
1. The Nightmare Begins

Two people, brother and sister, looked at the bright blue marble in the dark starless sky above a gray lifeless space-like surface. One who, when depicted as messaging someone, would be a gray neutral face, the other one a white skull. One with the black scythe-shaped hair slowly gaining a zigzag shape, the other with purple hair which looked as if it was going to enclose itself within a wireframe cube within few years.

Dib and Gaz Membranes, if not the only then at least the first people to live on the Moon, were again staring at the Earth, missing their father and missing the paranoia.

They remembered everything about the night when they went. Their father, the world-renowned yet mysterious man known to public only as "Professor Membrane", had invented the first nuclear gun that could encircle the Earth, covering 40,000 kilometers of aerial distance, and return to the starting point. He was awarded the first lunar apartment to be built ever, because of certain events the space programs had gone way further than where the people are reading this, but mostly stayed on Earth while Dib and Gaz lived on the Moon, with return pods if they wanted to, well, return. Or simply fly around the Earth-Moon system.

Dib then returned to his telescope, spectating the Earth as it went unsuspicious, while Gaz returned to playing one of the games she brought back from Earth, Portal 2.

She watched as the main character, at the risk of a nuclear meltdown, shot a portal to the Moon. Everything in the chamber, up to all artificial intelligences and the player herself, were sucked up, with a male voice shouting "Let go! We're in space!"

And then the main character saw…

Dib's and Gaz's apartment.

Out of all places that Valve Software could have chosen, they specifically contacted Professor Membrane and asked him for the models of the apartment, styled in a retro space fashion, and two return pods, one with a blue hue, and the other with a purple one.

Gaz took a screenshot of it immediately and exited the game. Despite it nearing the end, she was pissed off that her and Dib's privacy was violated.

Gaz went to Dib's and wanted to tell about her discovery, but just as that, Dib ALSO had a discovery.

"I've registered a nuclear explosion down on Earth, about 100 kilometers above the surface, and a purple dot is now leaving. I must investigate further. You stay and guard the house from any space zombies."

"There is no such thing as space zombies," Gaz snarled and watched as Dib left the house and flew off in a blue return pod.

Gaz watched the dot as Dib approached the Earth. What a sinful planet, she thought.

* * *

><p>"Doom doom doom doom doom! The end!" said a dysfunctional SIR unit, Gir, ending the six month long Doom Song.<p>

A green alien with ruby eyes, identifiable as an Irken, named Zim, was about to strangle Gir when the Voot Cruiser started beeping. "Approaching planet: Earth."

"Earth! This is the planet! Gir, we're finally here!" The Voot then started orbiting around the Earth and collecting information.

_Ten minutes later…_

"The Voot Cruiser has currently made one circle around the planet Earth. The circumference is measured to be 14,000,000 Galactic Species-Wide Units. The planet Earth is currently governed by two distinct forces in a cold war: the United States of America and the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics."

"Shouldn't it have collapsed like this?" Zim wondered, remembering the Irken history period when there was a rebellion on Irk. But before his train of thought could get anywhere further, the Voot started beeping again.

"Warning. Two incoming projectiles detected. Composition is mostly the ninety-second and ninety-fourth elements' radioactive isotopes. Affiliation: both factions have sent a projectile."

Zim directed the Voot to fly above the Earth. He watched as, when both projectiles collided, the result was a spectacular explosion.

"See what I thought? They're just going to destroy themselves eventually."

The Voot then centered its crosshairs over an island in the middle of the Pacific, 0.955766 degrees south latitude, 174.759521 degrees west longitude. "Area detected to be politically neutral. Conclusion: Safe for landing."

As the Voot entered the Earth's atmosphere, it started slightly burning, but stopped as the device landed on an unsuspecting uninhabited piece of land.

* * *

><p>Dib watched the entire masquerade from his own return pod. Surely there was something weird going on, but what precisely? That still demanded further investigation.<p>

As he watched the purple dot turn slightly red and draw a line in the atmosphere, the return pod started beeping. It was Gaz calling, trying her best not to care about the 1.3 second lag.

"Dib, return now. The remote class is going to start soon."

"But Gaz! The fate of humanity could depend on it!"

"Oh, you and your humanity." Gaz cut off. Dib sighed and returned to the lunar apartment, trying not to be nervous. His teacher just hated him that much.

* * *

><p>Zim inspected the island. There was some wildlife, but no specimens of the species that the Voot called "humans".<p>

"Release the complementary fleets. This Earth and its _humans _demand to be investigated. Then destroyed."

From the Voot retracted additional ships and flew all across the Earth. Zim then took out a capsule.

"Gir. This thing is going to build what looks like a perfectly normal Earth human house for us. Then we will devise disguises for ourselves."

"Can I be a mongoose?"

"SILENCE! Let us begin the invasion."

Zim threw the capsule and it disappeared in the tropical grass. Then, after a while, a green house with a pink roof and pink windows emerged, encasing the Voot inside itself. It then retracted a satellite TV plate, some lawn gnomes and a flag saying "I (heart) EARTH" on it. After that Zim and Gir walked inside, sure that no spy was watching over them.

Inside there was a holographic screen and a capsule. Zim pressed some places on the screen, and soon enough it was scrolling through different human shapes. Zim rejected them, one by one, until he settled on a fairly simple disguise that still made him look like an alien, consisting of a wig and contact lenses. Zim then walked into the capsule, it emitted light with the Irken screaming, and an entirely different Zim walked out.

"Master? Where'd you go?"

"I'm here! It's just my disguise! Now, for you, I'm thinking maybe a dog."

"Can I be a mongoose?"

Zim picked a suitable dog shape and put Gir inside the disguise capsule, and after a few seconds walked out…

a green dog with a zipper in the middle.

"Well, what done is done. Now, to speed up the learning-about-the-Earth process… Computer! Search for any form of education I could access!"

"Search for education initiated."

And, after a while, a TV transmission was received, showing a classroom with the teacher, kids and another TV inside.

* * *

><p>"Dib! You're late again!" Ms. Bitters shouted to the TV again. She had freaky cyan glasses and a long black robe which looked as if it belonged to an eldritch abomination. "I once wanted to be an astronaut. Now I see I shouldn't have given this up."<p>

"Wasn't there an implosion on your ship?"

"Really? I guess then I should have been a cosmonaut. The way it is in the Soviet Union."

Just then, the classroom started honking and a TV descended from the ceiling.

"Class, another hopeless appendage to the student body has caught our horrible transmission. It's traceable to the Pacific Ocean." The TV turned on, showing Zim.

"Hopeless kid, say something now, because after this moment… you can raise the robotic hand on the TV to ask a question. BUT THAT'S IT." Zim's TV grew out a robotic hand which then flailed around an accidentally hit the screen showing Zim. Everyone started laughing.

"SILENCE! Now, introduce yourself."

"My name's Zim, and I'm a perfectly normal human being. Just don't point at me, and we'll get along just fine."

And just as these words echoed throughout the classroom, Dib's robotic hand pointed at Zim's screen, poking Ms. Bitters in her side.

"That was rude, Dib. One more poking and your TV is going to the aquarium over there."

Dib's hand returned to its normal position. "Okay, Ms. Bitters."

And just as that, Zim's hand went up. "Ms. Bitters. In the case of a full-blown alien invasion, how much do you think this planet's defenses are prepared?"

The teacher ignored him. "So, as I was saying, we're just doomed. Doomed. DOOMED!"

But the time in America ticked to three o'clock, the bell rang, the class went flying across the town, and both Zim and Dib's screens showed static.

"I was right. He IS an alien. Just something I could expose." Dib thought to himself, staring at the static.

"Just don't forget to deliver this to Bellevue, Washington, okay?" Gaz gave Dib a letter, directed towards Valve Software.

"Okay, Gaz." Dib nodded and left for Earth again.

* * *

><p>Zim looked at the 3D vector graphic view of his island. "Sentient life still not found."<p>

"Very well. What a perfect operation base. Would have sucked to land in the middle of a city."

As Zim was sunk in his fantasies about how the Earth would eventually be his, the house started honking.

"Incoming missile detected. Composition resembles that of a manned spaceship. Affiliation: the Moon."

"The filthy humans also have settled on the Moon?" Zim shouted loudly as he was going to his Voot in case the base blew up. The lawn gnomes below also revealed laser guns hidden in them.

As Zim was now flying, the spaceship suddenly stopped and in its pilot seat sat a kid he already knew.

"Dib-stink! What are you doing here?"

"Now now, Zim. I can clearly see that you are an alien."

"No I'm not. Perfectly normal human being just as you."

"How about the green skin?"

"It's, um, a skin condition."

"The lack of ears? Is that the skin condition as well?"

Zim looked psychologically defeated. "Yes."

But he also pressed a button on the Cruiser and the lawn gnomes aimed and shot at Dib's return pod.

Dib started flying away in his damaged pod while Zim was trying to catch him. They flew faster and faster, over the US, the Great Lakes, Canada, the Atlantic, western and southern Africa, the Indian Ocean, the inhabited part of Australia and finally back to Zim's house, an endeavor that lasted mere ten minutes once again.

But the second Zim and Dib had made the journey of 40,000 kilometers, or 14,000,000 Galactic Species-Wide Units, they made a crucial mistake. Both the United States and the Soviet Union regarded the Voot Cruiser and the return pod as nuclear missiles, and sent nuclear missiles themselves so they could explode mid-air, rather than devastating the surface. Sometime during their second journey across the Earth, the nuclear missiles finally approached Voot, return pod and each other, and hit each other, encasing Zim and Dib in a nuclear explosion once again and making them lose each other's sight.

"You will pay, Zim! One day I WILL expose you." Dib's voice said as he was going back to the Moon, and Zim was going back to the Pacific.

* * *

><p>Almighty Tallest Red and Purple were drinking soda in the Massive. The spaceship was nothing if not full with snacks. The Irkens, quite obviously the tallest of their kind, one with red eyes and the other with purple ones, were also staring at the screen when someone spoke over the intercom.<p>

"Incoming transmission from Earth."

"What _is _Earth?"

The screen then cut to Zim in his base.

"Invader Zim, reporting."

Purple dropped his soda can. "You're alive?"

"Oh yes, my Tallest. Been a quite hard day here on Earth. Been the subject of two nuclear explosions. This nuclear gun could sure be used to destroy Earth. But other than that, the mission so far goes well. Have a nice time, my Tallest. Invader Zim, signing off."

The screen went static. Red and Purple were watching at it, then at each other, in pure shock.


	2. News of Doom

Zim was again in his base, without his disguise, watching TV with Gir. This invention sure did help to learn about humans a lot. It even proved the difference between Zim and Gir: Gir preferred entertainment shows, especially the Scary Monkey Show, and Zim would rather watch the news, to know what _precisely_ is going on Earth and Moon _at this moment._ Oh, and don't forget to tune in to the Skool-Channel every day in a 5-2 cycle 3 AM.

The day again went normal for Zim and Gir, with the lawn gnomes shooting Dib's pod whenever he got even _close_, when one of the newslines made Zim watch the screen and listen to every word the TV said.

_Some time ago, people complained about Portal 2 having insulting comments mocking fat, adopted people, hobos and various other society classes. Tonight, however, it's quite a bit different. We've got a message from the Moon, where Dib and Gaz Membranes are complaining about the violation of privacy in the final scene._

The screen then cut to the final scene of Portal 2, with the main character yet again being sucked into space and noticing Dib's and Gaz's apartment.

The screen then again cut to live footage from the Moon, showing the male kid Zim already knew, next to some freaky purple haired lady.

"The Dib-monkey is on TV?" Zim shouted loudly. Gir noticed it, his eyes turned red and the perfectly fine-working SIR unit went to the room where Zim was.

Dib was the first to speak. "Okay, why the hell you contacted me? It's Gaz who complained. She's the video game freak."

Gaz followed him. "Oh, you and your huge paranormal head."

"MY HEAD'S NOT BIG!"

"Okay, back to the point. There are many objects on the Moon's surface. The Apollo landing sites, which are now heritage areas, and hence, in public domain. Various craters. Other man-made and manned objects on space. And, out of all these, the game company almost deliberately contacted our father and exposed our space house to the rest of the sinful planet."

_Very well, Gaz. Anything to say about Dib's, as you say, "huge paranormal head?"_

"This is again insulting from Valve's point of view and-"

_I said his head!_

"and I believe that if controversies didn't put Valve down already-"

_HIS HEAD!_

"AGAIN, MY HEAD'S NOT BIG!"

"Um, no. Probably it is filled with images of ghosts, aliens and other kinds of paranormal, but that's beyond my knowledge."

_So he's not only paranormal, he's also a paranormal _investigator._ What do you have to say about this, Dib?_

"Oh, yes. Aliens have been the point of my entire life. In fact, I was disappointed that aliens did not live on the Moon. And quite a time ago, I actually found an alien. Can you believe? Me! Finding an alien! His name is-"

_Sorry, Dib. It seems we were cut off by a video call from the Pacific. Someone claiming to be named Zim._

"He IS the alien! Take my word for-"

"YOU LIE! YOU LIEEEEEE! I mean, uh, no, Dib-human, I am a perfectly normal human being just as you, your sister and the news guy." Zim then turned away from the TV. "Gir! Stop messing around! You are disappointing ZIM!" He then turned back. "Yeah, my dog is very, uh, _hyperactive_. Just ignore it and you'll be fine."

_Very well, Zim. How did you come to know about Dib?_

"First I caught the Skool-channel where he immediately thought I was an alien, then we flew around the Earth and your _nuclear missiles_ launched and blew up and from then on I only saw him on Skool."

_This is_ _crazy._

"No, it's true! I have him on tape!"

_Very well. Can you broadcast it live?_

The screen then cut to the abridged fifteen-minute epic of Zim and Dib's ships chasing each other, the Voot Cruiser getting a red flash at some points, and lastly a nuclear explosion.

_Just WHY would you TAPE this?_

"I considered sending it to Mysterious Mysteries of Strange Mystery." Dib looked like he was full of pride.

_That was disappointing._

Dib looked down again, the pride suddenly going away and being replaced with slight anger. "You honestly don't care that he could destroy all Earth?"

_That wasn't a controversy. That wasn't news. That was just disappointing. Dib and Gaz Membranes, from this point on I officially consider that living in space has permanently damaged your brains and turned you into a huge-headed guy and a video game freak. Zim, nice work proving Dib is crazy. _

"Oh, thank you, and yes he is."

_Valve Software…_

The screen showed only the text "DRAMATIC PAUSE" for a while, then showed a chart named "Probability of Valve Going Down", which rocketed up from April 19, 2011 on.

_If you are going to rate your game E10+, make it at least somewhat family-friendly, because the probability of you dissolving is rising every day. Thank you for your time. Go watch something else._

The advertisement break then began. Zim didn't know much about what he had to do, but one thing was clear. Put Dib out of the line of sight, and only then steal the nuclear gun and destroy the Earth.

Gir went back to watching the Scary Monkey Show. That really _was_ his favorite show.


	3. Preparations

Ever since the showdown on TV, both Zim and Dib were preparing.

Zim thought of making a permanent lunar base to get closer to Dib. He knew the "Portal 2" game would tell him the precise coordinates on the Moon's surface, but first it had to be played through thoroughly so that Zim could know where precisely the Moon scene is featured. Over time, however, the quest for Dib ended up being a lesson in thinking with portals, and Zim realized the potential it had.

"Computer, I require you to analyze this "Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device" technology in this game and develop it into a real weapon."

"It is not a weapon."

"Whatever. Go make it."

Zim then rest in peace and news channels as Computer began analyzing Portal 2. He was in such a state for a while when Gir walked in.

"_Gir!_ What the hell you're doing and how did you get this filthy Earth food in this uninhabited island?"

"It's called tacos, and I got it when I flew to Hawaii."

"You actually got to Hawaii?"

"Yes."

"By yourself?"

"Yes."

"So that you could get-"

"Tacos."

"_You are compromising our mission and the AMAZING! reputation of ZIM!_"

"You might want to try it too."

Zim gave Gir a weird look, then accepted. He had never eaten Earth food, and didn't think that he could even eat Earth food with its "nutritional value", but it couldn't possibly be poison to Irkens, could it?

He took the taco from Gir's suggestive hand and closed it to his mouth, but then he detected a highly-unpleasing-to-Irkens smell and threw the taco back to Gir, trying to run away to the island as fast as he could.

"_Just WHAT is this MADNESS!_" Zim shouted on his way.

Gir, alone on the house, had to embrace a message from the Computer.

"Analysis complete. The Portable Quantum Tunneling Device, made by Valve Software under their trademark "Aperture Science", has been detected to use small-scale wormholes, connecting any two parts of the space-time continuum that will accept a portal. These _portals_ glow blue and orange and allow any object, sentient or otherwise, and electromagnetic waves to pass through. Beginning work on an... _inspired_ demonstrational prototype."

"Demo... deni... _demonstrational prototype?_" Gir asked, figuring out he could simply rewind the audio recording of what Computer said, but in turn facing a voice change.

"Proof of the concept's possibility."

"Concept?" Gir again asked, but this time in his normal, non-duty mode voice.

"There is a gun in a video game, and I'm trying to bring it to real life." Computer sighed, as he also, like everything Zim got his hands on, had emotions.

* * *

><p>Dib was also preparing. He re-watched the two parts of his epic which crossed Zim's house. The lawn gnomes notably, while covering most of aerial territory, didn't cover the back of the house and most of the island, save for the huge volcano. He was simply going behind the house, then under it and bringing the peak below Zim's house down.<p>

But as he was watching, his fatherly spectator was also watching through the cameras, and his floating screen form materialized straight from the wall.

"Son, what is this insanity?" Professor Membrane finally spoke when he found a gap in his extremely busy itinerary.

"There's an alien down on Earth who is plotting to take over the world!"

"Which country he is from?"

Dib facepalmed. Gaz, who also coincidentally took a gap from video games just as long, noticed him and looked at the camera.

"Don't listen to him. His head is always filled with the paranormal, and the video was probably just him practicing special effects."

"_Special effects?_ Is my son going to be a movie director?"

"Oh yeah! I totally imagine. Coming soon, the movie "The Aliens of the Hammer and the Sickle", directed by Dib Membrane, the crazy kid who grew up in _space_."

"Sounds like an interesting career. It's nice to see my son having ideas for his future. Daughter, you should take a break from the video games to think about your future as well."

"I was being _sarcastic_," Dib said as he was still talking to his father, but Gaz had his words hit upon her heart and had to take a good thought on her future."

"Well, a film about the foreigners that America hates so much would be interesting. Just a thought, Dib."

"On where? A planet ruled by aliens from outer space where humans are their slaves?"

"Outer space? Will you ever stop with your tomfoolery? Our probes have already checked most of the solar system and there is no chance of sentient life alternate to ours developing anywhere."

"Then check out this!" Dib again showed his almost-trademark video, skipping the more boring parts.

"As your sister said, you _do_ have a future in the entertainment industry. Again, it's good to know that my son is going to be a worthy heir."

Dib just sat there, silent and wanting to believe his father was also the part of the sinful earth.

"Sorry, son, but it seems I'm back on my busy track. Goodbye, future film director." Professor's floating screen again went into the wall, leaving the house with Dib and Gaz thinking about their future.

And the house, with no other living creature other than them, proved to be a place where this could possibly happen.


	4. On Skepkitty and Grazie

**_A pause from the fanfic to talk about silly/serious issues I'm indirectly dealing with sillily/seriously (your pick):_**

* * *

><p>It has come to my knowledge that <em>Invader Cakez<em>, some wangsty middle schooler that posted terrible fanfics that were MSTed by Skepkitty, responded negatively to the fact that, um... her terrible fanfics were MSTed by Skepkitty.

Now, as someone who has followed Skepkitty's blog ever since _the_ Portal trollfic ITS MY LIFE!, I thought: what could be the most hilarious response to it? **To respond with an entire chapter.**

And, as this happens to be my only Invader Zim fanfic, you, awesome single-sided fans and followers of me, have to be suddenly, while riding a train around Jade Harley's Island, go off tracks and suddenly float around above the Pacific.

**Skepkitty is one of the greatest, if not _the_ greatest, MSTers I've ever seen.**

It's not just me saying this. Telltale Fanfic Theater 3000, a _group_ of MSTers, admitted that her solo MST of ITS MY LIFE! was better than theirs, and if I continued reading The Half-World after she finished ITS MY LIFE! and the sequel TEEN FORTRESS 2 and even became interested in Invader Zim solely because of her that's also saying something pretty damn objectively.

She's just one of the people whose memes you want to be stuck on. I've used "and there was (person), looking extremely fucking hot" in one of my fics, and the "flah of light" (the thing that turned Dib Irken once, in one of DBreBre-Z's fanfics) somehow became the weapon of choice for my Homestuck-ified!Skepkitty.

And then I kind of...

Don't want to drag the review any longer, since I'm not that good at being a fanboy.

* * *

><p>If you're with me, or with her, you should totally join Team Skepkitty, which is a thing I made up right now.<p>

If not, there's always Team Grazie.

PM me/review this story (and, preferably, this chapter) with your team of choice, and the reasons for why you choose it. No hate towards anyone, please.

* * *

><p>ASBusinessMagnet out.<p> 


	5. Lunacy

"Incoming transmission from Earth."

The Tallest, after hearing this, immediately thought that Zim, being the outcast he is, needed a completely new signal to tell that OMG ZIM IS COMING. One that the entire Irken race would remember. One that would require Zim to deliberately be kept alive forever and ever, so that everyone knows that there was an Irken named Zim who changed the empire for ages. One that...

Would make the Tallest say the name "Zim" as much as, or even more than, Zim himself does.

Odd.

Let's just say that the Tallest needed to work on that.

Zim showed up on the screen, in the background of his base, and started speaking.

"My Tallest? Allow me to present a new piece of technology I created myself. The Irken Empire Handheld Portal Device!"

"You're a part of the Irken Empire? That's news to me." Tallest Purple felt like saying.

"Less call, more fall," Zim instead replied with a poem and shot a blue portal directly above him and an orange one directly below him. Then he fell.

And fell.

And the Tallest decided the falling was boring and shut off the screen to talk to Skoodge or something.

But Zim still fell.

And Gir ran around with a taco in his hands like insane.

But Zim still fell.

And Gir took the portal device from him, noting that his journey was always blue-to-orange, and went outside to the night.

It went to the point when Zim was shouting ridiculously.

And Gir shot a blue portal outside and watched as Zim rocketed into air.

"Check it out, you're so small from there. I can barely... oh wait, I'm falling now? AAAAAAAAH! !", another sound came out from Zim's alien mouth as the joy and the thrill suddenly changed into fear.

Zim retracted his spider legs and they landed just above the newly made blue portal. And he knew where precisely it led.

Zim jumped, and Gir, being the faithful green dog that he is, shot a new orange portal elsewhere.

"And now. For the final test. Computer, from the data on the Portal 2-game, calculate the precise Dib-stink's coordinates on the Moon's surface."

Computer analyzed data further, and came with a response. "Exact Dib coordinates set."

"Let us begin the invasion." Zim placed the portal device into his aim-o-matic, which aimed to shoot a blue portal precisely at the coordinates from the video game, with Zim sure the orange portal was somewhere he could access.

"Countdown initiated. Five... four... three... two... one..."

SHOOT.

Then, after a space of 2.5 seconds, ding.

But there had to be only 1.28 seconds until the new Computer's message.

"Negative pressure vacuum detected."

But it was too late for Zim. He, and everyone else in the room, started being sucked into the Moon's surface, and he had to hang on the wires to still stay.

Breathing in the oxygen-less sky was one thing, with the Irken transparent bubble.

Hanging on was another thing.

"Gir! Help! Zim's in _space!_"

Gir, however, didn't realize the urgency.

"Space? _SPACE!_"

He, being still with the portal gun and the aim, at the last second before being sucked in, shot a blue portal on Zim's house, sealing the gate and leaving Zim stranded on the Moon's surface without his disguise. And not to mention with 1/6 the gravity.

But at least the Dib-stink's lunar _lair_ was there. This was good.

* * *

><p>Back on Earth, Computer was still speaking.<p>

"Interesting trivia: In human measurement units, it took 1.284197 seconds for the portal beam to travel from the Earth to the Moon, and 1.284197 seconds for light to go back. This amounts for a total of 2.568394 seconds between the shoot and the ding."

"_TACOS!_"

"Sigh. Are you at _least_ listening to reason or will I have to bring Zim back alone?"

"Mastah's in no danger! He could live on in space! Imma gonna draw him livin' in space! Do you have crayons?"

"If that keeps you calm, yes. I need to prepare an emergency plan." Computer handed Gir the crayons and a white piece of paper for his creative splurges, and went on to think.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile on the Moon Zim had taken a precise model of Dib's lunar house, a blue pod that Zim already saw on the second circular journey, and a violet pod that probably belonged to the other freak on the same house.<p>

And Dib noticed Zim as well. He took some pictures, but without using his return pod he couldn't get anywhere close and even _using_ the return pod would cause problems in maneuvering. Not to mention that Zim didn't seem to attack in any way. Just examining.

Dib went back and connected to the Swollen Eyeball Network's webpage. He sent over the pictures, in digital format, and curiously waited for response.

It probably doesn't have to be mentioned it immediately went to become a meme on the Swollen Eyeball Forums. Most of the Agents, save for Dib himself, had already made their own thread with varied opinions on the legitimacy of Dib's pictures, from "aliens are on the Moon! We're going to die!" to "Agent Mothman learned Photoshop! We should kick him out!"

"At least I'm famous." Dib thought, looking at the Earth, where the rest of the Agents had endless discussions that degraded from Dib's pics to the members being compared to Communists.

* * *

><p><em>Author's notes: Sadly, neither any members of Team Skepkitty nor Team Grazie get to appear. Mainly because Team Grazie is still empty. Also: #DivisionOfDoom on Rizon (think IRC).<em>


	6. A Strange Visitor

_A week before…_

Somewhere down on Earth in a plane, Professor Membrane looked at his extremely busy itinerary once again. Since, much like One Direction, everyone in every single country, U.S. state and Soviet republic needed him, he had his events planned for three years ahead, with instructions included should he die at any point in time. As such, he was surprised that, scrolling through these three years, a gap suddenly opened in the week ahead, in the Friday afternoon, and due to the route he ended up being in the city where the Skool is settled in.

"Finally I have time to prove all these other parents I'm not just a floating head." The Professor immediately filled in the gap with a visit of Skool.

* * *

><p><em>Running parallel with the current events…<em>

Ms. Bitters looked at the classroom. Surely enough, everyone was there, including the two TV screens where Zim and Dib were supposed to show up. She then looked at the reflection from a mirror in the back. Dib had tuned in just fine, not counting the 1.3 second lag, but Zim's screen showed static.

Then the clock hit eight, and the Skool day officially began.

"Class, do you know where Zim could be?"

Dib raised his robotic hand.

"Anyone who isn't part of the Zim-Dib rivalry?"

The robotic hand was still high in the air. Then Ms. Bitters snapped it.

"That's it, Dib. When we are writing a test and Zim uses his robotic hand, I'll write you an F- right away since your robotic hand had to be taken away as punishment."

All the Skoolchildren in Dib's class were laughing at Dib and on how their hands were meat and bones and couldn't be snapped as easily, and Gaz's class heard them and began laughing as well.

"SILENCE!" Ms. Bitters shouted. "Now, today's lesson will be devoted to learning about the Soviet Union, which we know NOTHING about, so that you can be prepared for a nuclear war."

Mr. Elliot had no idea what to do with his class laughing.

* * *

><p>Zim meanwhile peeked through Dib's window. For all he knew, he was already noticed, and the enemy that noticed him was first on line to be destroyed, so that didn't matter. Surely enough, Dib had tuned in to the Skool-Channel, and Zim was missing out.<p>

He called Gir, not noticing the 1.3 second lag since Irken methods of long distance communication worked entirely differently, and speed of light was nothing to them.

"Gir. The situation you just put me in is TERRIBLE."

"Mastah's alive! Yaaaay!"

"Now, Gir. Bring the Voot Cruiser to the Moon, and then I can… um… thank you very much for saving Zim's life and mission and put you in command of this lifeless satellite when I take over the Earth."

"Yes, sir!" Gir's eyes turned red, he ran to the Voot and the transmission cut off.

Gir, being the second most idiotic artificial intelligence that the Earth had thought of, and the first one that actually existed, immediately changed his eye color back to cyan. "What's that do! What's that do! What's that do!"

The Voot crashed through Zim's roof, hit all four towers of the really old monument probably made for frogs, and, with Gir thinking he is setting off to the Moon, started going through the ocean, destroying any Earth sea ship coming in its way.

* * *

><p>The Skool day finally ended, Dib and Gaz shut off and before the leaving teachers Ms. Bitters and Mr. Elliot there was Professor Membrane, the world-renowned scientist that was on the United States' side.<p>

"Hello. You should probably have seen me several times in floating head form, but today finally I came here in person. Pleased to meet you."

Mr. Elliot took the scientist's greeting more light-heartedly. "Hello! You remind me of my own dad!"

Ms. Bitters was less friendly. "Today I had to snap your child's robotic hand for misbehaving."

"What precisely did the future film director do?"

"_Future film director?_ That's what you call your child whose future probably is in a mental hospital?"

Prof. Membrane was puzzled. "I demand video footage."

"And now you expect _us_ to be film directors as well?" Ms. Bitters then had a slight grin on her ever-mad face. "Doesn't mean I don't have it."

All three then re-watched the scene from today's morning.

"Well, I see Dib's interest in the paranormal, and ability to make any boring life story into a paranormal horror story, but he _does_ need to stop believing it is reality."

Ms. Bitters was still with the grin that looked weirdly on her face. "I'm sure you will teach him. You taught the Soviet Union who's boss here."

Prof. Membrane's clock then started beeping. "Oh, sorry, seems I have to go. Nice day, and I will give a lesson to my son as soon as possible."

Ms. Bitters turned mad again. "Which is when?" she thought, looking at the leaving white shadow.

* * *

><p>Zim, still on the Moon, looked at the purple dot that flew through the sky.<p>

It was Gir. He knew it.

_Good thing I always have this in my PAK_, thought Zim as he opened his dotted, well, PAK and took something that would look like a laser pointer to humans.

He shot it at the purple dot. 1.5 seconds later, the photons directed themselves towards, and immediately collided with, the nearest thing that was Irken, that was, well, the Voot Cruiser in which Gir was.

The Voot turned, and activated the as-fast-as-possible mode, which meant only five minutes until the meteorite, just before hitting the Moon and possibly leaving a huge crater, stopped.

"A job well done, Gir. As the best Invader ever, I grant you full control over the Earth's Moon, assuming I can use the nuclear gun to take down Earth. Now, back to our base." Zim stepped in the Voot, and directed it back to the blue and green planet that, soon enough, would be part of the Irken Empire.


	7. The Swollen Eyeball Forums

_The Swollen Eyeball Forums  
>Let no mystery go without investigation<em>

Dib looked at the logo of the Swollen Eyeball Network once sort of knew that everyone knew that the "Agent Mothman" was the world-renowned scientist's son, and that was probably the only reason why Dib stayed after so many false alarms, but he didn't care. Zim was spotted without his disguise on the Moon's surface, and the forums would know this.

He clicked on the forum "Sightings", subtitled "Ghosts, monsters, aliens, this kind of thing".

The thread list looked like this.

_(Sticky) (Locked) _Rules of Good Judgment_ (AgentDarkBootie)  
><em>Agent Mothman: The One and Only Thread_ (AgentDarkBootie) (Attachment) (Poll)  
><em>_(Locked) _Why "Zim is an alien" is scientific stupidity_ (AgentSkepKitty)_ (Attachment)_  
><em>_(Locked) _Agent Mothman MIGHT have a point_ (AgentBusinessMagnet)_ (Attachment)_  
><em>_(Locked) _I don't really get this "Agent Mothman" thing?_ (AgentLogicEditor)  
><em>_(Locked) _The "Zim" Is A LIEEEEEEEE!_ (AgentLoveableFreak)_ (Attachment)__

And ended with:

I think theres an alien in my class?_ (AgentMothMan)_

There was the little chart, which meant that the thread was a poll.

He glanced at the poll's results.

_Is this Agent Mothman's "Zim" stuff true or a hoax?_

_Definitely true - 89 (38.36%)  
><em>_A hoax, other reasons - 72 _(31.03%)_  
><em>_I don't get it? - 55 _(23.71%)_  
>A hoax, but honestly I'm sick of Agent Mothman's trolling - 16 <em>(6.90%)<em>___

_Total: 232_

Dib wanted to see this in a pie chart. He literally copied this to an Excel spreadsheet and then saw the results visually.

Which meant NOTHING.

He then looked at the latest posts.

* * *

><p><em>AgentFlyingSaucer0:<br>_agent moss man is clearly a free k and a communist and that ends it

_AgentBusinessMagnet:  
><em>I'm from a Soviet republic; does that make me on the same tier as Mothman, or even lower?

_AgentPhotoshoppedHoax:  
><em>You serious? You do realize 99% of the Internet is banned in the Soviet Union and that you can get caught?

_AgentFlyingSaucer0:  
><em>no need to take my comment on commies serious lee common

* * *

><p>That's where it ended.<p>

He wasn't a freak. He wasn't a communist. And he was going to make them believe and accept that Zim _was_ an alien.

He started posting and joined the frozen-in-time conversation as well.

* * *

><p><em>AgentMothMan:<br>_Since when did communists get into play here? Huh? Huh?

_AgentHilariousOuttake:  
><em>Your "huh"s are stupid.

_AgentBusinessMagnet:  
><em>FYI, there is actually no law on proxy server usage in the USSR. It's free game.

_AgentFlyingSaucer0:  
><em>then its sort of a steel ball that gets more and more water until it kaboom s

_AgentPhotoshoppedHoax:  
><em>*needs to read the USSR Constitution in its entirety as soon as possible*

_AgentDarkBootie:  
><em>You're getting off-topic.

_AgentMothMan:  
><em>Back on topic, see? Would a human cosplayer dress like this with the bug eyes? Huh? Huh?

_AgentHilariousOuttake:  
><em>You need to stop "huh"-ing all the time.

_AgentBusinessMagnet:  
><em>(quote of the previous comment) Seconded.

_AgentSkepKitty:  
><em>(quote of the previous comment) Thirded.

_AgentMothMan:  
><em>Then suggest me a less inane letter combination to use?

_AgentFlyingSaucer0:  
><em>now wh4t hasnt fallen into the annoying category yet

_AgentLogicEditor:  
><em>Wait what? The Homestuck fandom ≠ the Swollen Eyeball Network.

_AgentFlyingSaucer0:  
><em>doesn't stop us from being all home stuck fans

_AgentLoveableFreak:  
><em>Which, in turn, stops us from being all paranormal investigators.

_AgentMothMan:  
><em>YOU LIEEEEEEE. I'm still the best paranormal investigator there is and Zim's definitely an alien.

_AgentPhotoshoppedHoax:  
><em>You actually named your finding with an alien name?

_AgentHilariousOuttake:  
><em>Looool.

"IM AGENT MOTH MAN! AN I FOUND THIS ALIEN AND ILL CALL HIM ZIM"

No offense, but that was precisely like it.

_AgentFlyingSaucer0:  
><em>my commie comment (get it) still holds

_AgentBusinessMagnet:  
><em>And hence, the circle of stupidity goes around the world and stops at Moscow again.

_AgentDarkBootie:  
><em>Be on topic or I'll probably have to change the rules.

_AgentMothMan:  
><em>NOW WH4T? Will you still believe I'm the master of Photoshop?

_AgentHilariousOuttake:  
><em>NOW WH4T 1LL L3G1SL4C3R3R34T3 YOU! Σ\:)

That = a quirk of a definite alien. Zim = someone made at the hands of a real master of Photoshop. Possibly someone who isn't really eleven.

_AgentFlyingSaucer0:  
><em>om g you using characters straight from character map i probably will have to take some too

* * *

><p>"This was pointless," said Dib loudly, not realizing that he's talking to himself again.<p>

"This wasn't an alien sighting. This wasn't something to be investigated. This was a huge thread by other pseudo-paranormal investigators that also reference webcomics and I shouldn't have been part of it."

"Your voice is stupid," yelled Gaz from another room, playing Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2.

* * *

><p><em>Author's notes: Yup, Team Skepkitty now works for the Swollen Eyeball Network. What's next?<em>


	8. An Entirely New Battle

NEWS NEWS NEWS.

As of me writing this, the Grazie saga is _no longer available_ on FanFiction. Net. Does that still make it okay to make a battle based on something that doesn't exist?

Please review and/or PM me. _Especially _Cakez herself.

Thanks,

ASBusinessMagnet.

(Post-emptive note: I resolved this issue after a bigger enemy came. You know how she is named.)


	9. SIR Problems

Zim was again planning an ingenious plan to kill Dib and his sidekick sister so that Earth could be destroyed. Gir, however, was different, being all about being an artist and making huge dirt sculptures of itself, Zim, Dib, Gaz and the Tallest, and it looked really nice with the two snack-eating morons looking over the inanity of Planet Earth.

Until one day an airplane flew through, and from it came a jade green package, just as Irken blood.

"Gir! We have an intruder!"

"Where?"

"That package of doom!"

Zim and Gir went outside and watched as the cube got bigger and hopy shit it's really bigger than Zim-

"RUN!"

The package landed. Zim looked at the inscription on the outside.

_From: Kanaya Maryam, Austerlitz, New York State, USA_  
><em>To: Jade Harley, somewhere near Kiribati, Pacific Ocean<em>

"Who! Who is the human female named "Jade Harley" who is actually the almighty Zim!"

Gir, not waiting, opened the package and saw a nice dress, all cyan and light gray like any human city, with wiring holding it even when a human female body wasn't holding it. The robot partially submerged itself into the dress and shouted like crazy:

"I'm an attractive human female!"

"Gir! What do you think you're doing!"

"Being an attractive human female?"

"As Irken Coco Chanel said, fashion is a madness that must be exterminated before a civilization can make any progress. Do you understand?"

"Hello? Dib and Gaz Membranes? This is Gir Harley, the attractive human female that would like a few photos for her Facebook profile, and since her Master is unwilling to co-operate, she would like you to take them! Goodbye!"

"You have a Facebook profile?"

Gir let out an electronic nod.

"What the hell? I thought I had a worthy robot minion!" Zim went back to his base and immediately gave a call to the Tallest.

"My Tallest? Since the robot you sent is a completely useless piece of metal almost as bad as the filthy humans, I would like to be sent a replacement SIR unit. Thanks, Zim!"

While Zim waited, he turned up a few dials on his PAK's inside, making time go faster as he could wait for his leader's response.

Gir, however…

"Wow! Now you're not just an evil robo-minion, now you're a sexy evil robo-minion!"

"Thank you!" Gir said, copying the Oracle Turret's manner.

As Dib flew off, Zim switched himself out of hyper-sleep mode and decided that the Tallest will send him another SIR unit. He re-packaged the dress, leaving Gir inside, and slightly rewrote the address:

_TO - "Kanaya Maryam, Austerlitz, New York State, USA"_  
><em>from the almighty ZIM!, "somewhere near Kiribati, Pacific Ocean"<em>

_Let me out! _Gir shouted, but wasn't listened to.

"And last, a heartwarming note! Let's see…"

Zim took out a piece of trademark Irken paper, guaranteed to never burn down, melt in acid or otherwise be destroyed, and started writing.

_Dear "Kanaya Maryam",_

_filthy HUMENS do not send me packages with items of FASHION! as Irken Coco Chanel said fashion is a MADNESS that must be EXTERMINATED! and thats precisely why the IRKEN EMPIRE is so much great while filthy HUMENS are still MELTING in a single planet and soon will be TAKEN OVER when ZIM! gets another sir unit that isnt as USELESS! and just so its put in perspective with your FASHION item ZIM! has sent "Gir" so itll DESTROY you and your FASHION! filthy humen_

_with demand for respect to the fist,_

_ZIM! !_

As he finished, Zim put the letter inside the package, then the package on his Voot Cruiser and flew off to the "New York State" himself.

As he flew, he didn't stop wondering. _So Gir already has a Facebook account! He's jeopardizing our mission! Ah, let's see if a new SIR unit will better serve me._

He reached New York State, dropped the package just like he received it, and left back for his operation base.

_Here we go. Now just wait for a new SIR unit. I'll name him Zim II, after the best Irken Invader EVER!_

Zim returned to his little island. Dib's little blue rocket was nowhere to be seen. _Another victory. Now just to wait some more…_

Zim descended to his main base. Still no message from the Tallest…

_No SIR unit detected. Reconstructing last known SIR unit from memory._

It was his computer.

"You are not messing with ZIM! and returning him that filthy robot!"

Zim shut down his entire house. Peace and no inane robots.

* * *

><p>The Tallest finally caught up with all the messages up to Zim's, inbetween many breaks of snack eating. They were two most ridiculous leaders any space empire ever had. Well, maybe also Mitt Romney, but he wasn't a figure in this alternate history.<p>

"Oh yes, Zim! We should send him a robot considering him hostile!"

A spare functional SIR unit walked into the Massive.

"This is Zim. Zim is the Irken Empire's rogue Invader and a threat to our sovereignty."

The SIR unit blasted away the entire screen, disallowing the Tallest to contact anyone anytime soon.

"Good robot. Now go to Earth. That's where Zim really is."

The SIR unit went into a spare Spittle Runner the Tallest had for some reason and started crossing the vast space for Earth.

The Tallest started laughing maniacally. For some reason.


End file.
